New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
even my farts smell like vagina
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
