Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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