I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
