would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
