I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
