Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
