I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
