you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I wear drunk well.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
