Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
