I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
