she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
