Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I met the friendliest cop last night
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Randomize
