tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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