I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
did i walk over a car last night?
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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