you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
