We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
