I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
