To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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