If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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