I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
