shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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