the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
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