he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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