saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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