if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Princesses don't give blow jobs
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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