in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
