How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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