god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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