Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
