this beer tastes like vomit already
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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