You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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