So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
