is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
home. puking in laundry basket.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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