I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize
