so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Randomize
