I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
my shit smells like andre
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
