how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
