I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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