I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
