The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
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