I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize
