ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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