Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
When did angry sex become our thing?
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
