Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
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