I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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