I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
