Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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