Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Randomize
