I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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