Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
Randomize
