Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
